Why do always defeat myself, when i rise up?

A way to punish yourself for something? Fear of success? Did you have people in your past that you felt would cut you down if you excelled? Or did you feel guilty succeeding because you felt it would hurt someone else, like a sibling? Find a therapist, bro. It will really help. Not all counseling is the same. Find one who specializes in ISTDP (intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy). They will help you get to the root of the problem and resolve it. Godspeed.